Program & Services

Helping Yourself Through Grief

Grief is experienced whenever you lose something important to you. It is so powerful that people sometimes look for ways around it rather than experience it. This approach will not work. The best thing you can do for yourself is to work through grief and express your feelings. The following are specific ways to help yourself work through grief.

Basic Health Concerns

Grief is very tiring and it is important to continue your daily health routines.

• Eat regular, nourishing meals. If it is too difficult to eat three regular meals, try four or five small ones. Have nourishing food available to nibble on, rather than chips and candy.
• Get plenty of rest. Try to develop regular bedtime routines. If you are having a hard time getting to sleep, try a glass of warm milk or some soft easy-listening music to soothe your thoughts.
• Exercise for good health. Continue your exercise program and develop a manageable routine.
• Meditate to calm and relax your body. Meditation, perhaps in the form of prayer or yoga, can help you get the rest you need.
• Communicate with your physician. Make sure your family doctor knows what has happened so he or she can help monitor your health.

Outside Support

Grief does not have to be as isolating as it seems.

• Look for a support group, lecture, or seminar that pertains to your situation.
• Continue attending church services and stay in contact with this "family", if that has been a source of support to you.
• Let your friends and other family members know about your emotional or physical needs. The more they know about what to do to help you, the more available they will be.

Feelings

• Read books or articles on the process of grief so you can identify what you are feeling and have some ideas on how to help yourself.
• Allow your feelings to be expressed appropriately.
• Have a good cry. You feel lighter after you have done this. Consider sharing your tears with other loved ones. We laugh together, why not cry together as well?
• Find friends or family members with whom to share your feelings.
• Be careful not to use alcohol, drugs, or tranquilizers. These will only mask the pain and could lead to problems.
• Keep a journal to identify feelings and also to see progress.
• Plan holidays and anniversaries. They are impossible to ignore. Look for a workshop on dealing with the holidays and make plans with your family and friends.

Be Kind to Yourself

• If you want some time alone, take it as often as needed.
• Reward yourself along the way as something to look forward to.
• Look for small ways to spoil yourself like a bubble bath, getting new cologne, soft pajamas, or a new hair cut.
• A short trip can be a good break from grief, but know that you get back, the pain of grief will be waiting for you. However, you will have had a rest and have hopefully gained the knowledge that you can enjoy some things in life again.
• Look for some new interests like a new hobby or trying an old one again.
• Carry a special letter, poem, or quote with you to read during tough times.
• Enjoy the good days and don't feel guilty for doing so.
• Reach out to help someone else.
• Learn to have patience with yourself. Remember, it takes time to get better.
• Know that you WILL get better and there WILL be a time when you can look forward to getting up in the morning and being glad you are alive.

Help for your family relationships

• Good communication is necessary. People cannot read your mind. They may not know that a certain day is difficult, or they may not know how to help you.
• Talk about what is helpful to you and what is not helpful to you.
• Be aware to the needs of your family. Grief is different for each person.
• Avoid competition in who is hurting most. Each person will have difficult issues to cope with. Grief is hard for everybody.
• Think of each other with birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. It is a mistake to hope the holiday will go by unnoticed. Make plans and discuss them.
• Try not to expect too much from your family. People do not operate at 100 percent during the grieving period. The dishes may not get done or the yard may not be mown as regularly as before. Many chores can wait. Hire someone to help you catch up.
• Read and educate yourself about the grief process. Go to the library and get an armload of books. Read ones in which you feel the author "is speaking to you" and return the others. Grief books do not need to be read cover to cover. Look for a book with a detailed table of contents that will enable you to select certain sections as you need them.
• Think about the differences between men and women. Men and women grieve differently. Women are usually more comfortable showing what they feel. Men usually stay busy, focus on work or take on projects at home.
• Take a short trip to "regroup." If a child has died, it is very important to acquaint yourself with the new family structure. Getting away from the telephone and memories for a few days can help you do this.
• Get help, especially if you feel if it is getting in the way with your relationships.

Adapted from an article by Helen Fitzgerald, CDE, Training Director, American Hospice Foundation. Reproduced with permission.